I have recently found myself becoming frustrated by my inability to combine my identity as an individual and my identity as a mother. I seem to want to be both and neither and sometimes one but not the other and vice versa - always on my terms. Is that too much to ask? When I first meet someone and they ask about my children, I think 'how strange of you to inquire. You don't know them. How is your great uncle? Do you see how bizarre this is?' but at the same time when someone is discussing parenting and doesn't solicit my wise opinion I think 'you mother $%^&*!! you know I have kids'
You see, I want to be known for my impressive mothering skills. I see other mothers doing an amazing job, mostly I think to myself "overbearing much?" but then years later they have exceptionally well behaved little adults and I have to admit that a lot of effort in the parenting department sure does go a little way. And I mean that. It doesn't always work out that way though, and that is a riot.
I have to first fully acknowledge that when my oldest children (twins) were born I was an extremist when it came to parenting. Sterilizing everything, I enforced strict napping feeding schedules, visitors were subject to a grueling approval process and judgement was harsh. "I'm sorry I can't let you see the babies. I think you look like you may have malaria." One time a friend kissed my babies forehead. I smiled. But on the inside, I screeched like a banshee "I know damn well you have herpes!"
....and then I grew out of it. One of my favorite things to see, and this is why I shall roast in the underworld, is the mother that never grew out of it. You know what I'm talking about. Years later she's still fighting the losing battle for control. Hair: Bun. Feet: Sandles. Purse: Gicantic, Pleather, and Bedazzled. You chat for a few moments and as you walk away you can't help but thinking 'wow! That $%* is crazy and her kid's an #$%^%@$&!!' It's sad, it's true, and I'm a jerk.
I definitely don't desire to be one of "those" but I still want to be a master of the art. Unfortunately beyond buying a Scentsy candle or seven I haven't turned out to be much of a homemaker. It goes back to that effort thing. If a lot of effort goes a little way..... a little effort is almost undetectable.
Then there is the identity as an individual issue. There are times when I seem to be exempt from certain aspirations, ideas, or even conversations because I couldn't possibly understand, I have kids. I was speaking with a friend who was frustratingly trying to make a decision that greatly impacted their future. When I tried to emphasize with feeling a little direction-less they responded and I quote "yeah, but you have kids. You know what I mean?" I nodded and then replied "yeah I have kids and you're a @#$%^& idiot. Everyone has obstacles" What the hell? I can still struggle with life altering decisions. Having children does not put your life mapping on auto-pilot. Being a parent doesn't create a responsibility safety net. Believe me, I am just as capable as you of totaling screwing this up. I would like to think that even without having a family I would still be as responsible and successful as I am with a family and I would still make good choices that lead to good outcomes. It's probably not true but I would still like to think it.
The worst of it is the assumption that I can't dream anymore. I can't day dream with a buddy about moving to Alaska to work on a fishing boat one season just like that scary show without that childless friend turning to me and without even masking the pity in their eyes informing me that I can never move to Alaska and contract the deadliest smell because I have a family. Well they can't go either, they get sea sick, they are clumsy, and they are annoying. Who in their right mind would willingly be stuck on a boat with them for such a long time. Neither of us will ever go, reasons why can remain unmentioned. (But just so we're clear. I would survive, they would perish within the first week. I may or may not have an alibi around the time they were lost to the sea)
On one occasion I voiced "I feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I haven't achieved anything." and several people said "sure you have, you have four beautiful children" All I heard was "Sure you have. You repeatedly had unprotected sex." gee thanks.
I want to be a great Stacy. An individual; Wild and adventurous. I want to be a great mother; Wise and nurturing. Just not necessarily at the same time or in the same place. I'll let you know when I figure out how to achieve that.
This is fun to complain about, it's one of the paradox of life I mentioned in my first blog. It doesn't really matter much though. The other night my son Joshua and I made spaghetti sauce from scratch in a blender. It was delicious and it was fun. And Audrey said it smelled like pepperoni and goldfish. And if that moment is both my best as a mother, and my best as Stacy. I'm content.