b-b-b-blogging and the jets

It's been a while blog. We are definitely back to that awkward stage, I'm wearing pants while I write this. Pants have a lot of significance to me. I feel like your day is set based on your pants. I know I'm going to do what I set out to do if I put some pants on. No pants = lying to myself and everyone within ear shot. Next time we are on the phone and I commit to an activity or say "I'm on my way" ask me what pants I'm wearing. If I hesitate there is a high probability that I am wearing pants not suited for the adventure or possibly no pants at all.
You ready to fight crime Stace? Hell yeah. What pants are you wearing?............. if tights wasn't my immediate response I'm never gonna show up. You will wait in the alley all night. You will be mugged, raped, and killed. When friends and strangers and police ask me if I had any idea why you were in an alley at 2 am I will shrug my shoulders and say "I don't know I was in bed." They will say "what pants were you wearing?" I will easily respond "soccer shorts"

Right now I'm wearing my blogging pants which are exactly as attractive as they sound.

If I were a cabillionaire I would have designated pants for every occasion. Even showering. But not for baking!

I don't even want to begin to explain the occasion these pants would be used for. Hint there is a giant growling cat coming out of the crotch area

I was just going through my Face Book. How is it there are people out there that I have 32 friends in common yet we have never met? are all of my friends shamefully hiding me from their one other friend? Does this explain some odd staring I have experienced in public? Perhaps the person staring at me has heard from 32 other people that I once bit some one and they are looking at me thinking "she looks like a biter" or "I can totally see her spraying ketchup on the elderly at a shopping mall" Ha!! I know you are reading this. Do you remember that? That was hilarious.

Or maybe it's my Wal-Mart boycott. I haven't shopped at Wal-Mart in 12 years because I think they @#$% $%^&^ $%^%$# !@#$% %^&* with furry woodland creatures. I think the same of the Hilton family but mostly because they resemble wombats.

Seven degrees of separation eh? How about 1 degree of separation 32 ways. This is why I stalk you. One day I hope we will meet and I will tell you a lot of things about you and you will wonder if it's just because we have so many mutual friends. It's not. Enjoy your salad and get to bed early you have that big day tomorrow.

Friggin Fraggin Friday Again

You know how this works. Two part post. Here is what I intend to do, what I end up doing will be posted later.

Morning:
Pants - yep
Gym - yep
Coffee - yep

Work:
Answer Emails - yep
Return Calls - yesish
Make a Billion Dollars - so close. Made four.

Errands:
Grocery Store - neope
Bank - neope
MMA Training Facility - neope

Scrub down:
Kitchen - mostlyish
Bathrooms - yes
Living Room - yeppers
Bedrooms - not so much
Laundry - suck it! i did do this. technically i finished sunday but still I owned that shat.

AND THEN!:
Paint the walls in the twins room - yes. I'll repeat YES (it looks like shat)
adjust monthly budget - not so much
paint my toenails - anyone know how to get glitter toes off? I'm going to try a belt sander.
Write - YES. Thats right I did this. 
Blog - I got around to that on Tuesday as you can see BUT I did run a 5k. Actually I walked a block and had ice cream but three people I was with ran a 5k
Study a map - no
Challenge the boy to a State's challenge - I did challenge him but have not yet had the showdown
Dinner - yep
Glass of Wine - oh yes
Movie - yep
Bed - course :)

I'm going to do all of this stuff or some of this stuff maybe none of this stuff. True Dat

what?

It's blog o'clock somewhere right?

I'm about to go work out. Get me Phys Ed on. My workouts are really lame. I have no idea what I'm doing I just move around in ways that strain until I'm tired. I figure that'll do. Sometimes I repeatedly pick up things that are heavy. Tonight my workout may lead to a discovery because I've recently had an addition to my list of body curiosity. (body curiosity is a list of things I find strange in, on or around my body) ((this list is getting longer as I get older and will soon be renamed ooh gross)) but more about my newest addition to this list. First allow me to tell you a less recent observation.

You know how when you get tacos from a drive thru and next time you get in the car there is a really rank smell from the recent past presence of taco? This is typically discovered in the morning. I named that smell taco car. I am not a fan and have a low tolerance for this aroma. When someone says, do you want a ride? My decision is based on the strength of taco car I experienced during car rides of yester year with driver in question.

Back to my list - recently I had BO that smelled exactly like taco car. It took all day to figure that out. I kept getting a hint of it. I blamed the kitchen, the couch, the back of my sons head, my feet, etc.  Eventually I discovered it was coming from me and thus added taco pit to the body curiosity list. I'm wondering if it is because I have been eating a lot of nuts lately. Cashews to be specific. I'm going to do a series of tests and if my suspicions are correct I may send out a PSA cashews are the leading cause of taco pit. I don't want anymore victims.

I have to admit I look pretty hot in crayon. 

After re-reading what I intend to post I wonder if I should work a little harder on my image. I don't know that a public revelation of my shame surrounding bouts of taco pit are painting the picture I want others to head doodle when they think of me..... 

How about this? I'll put my ipod on shuffle and tell you the first ten songs chosen. 

Then you can make snap judgments based on what I typically perform in my car. 

(as opposed to smells your car and I may sometimes have in common)

1. Taj Mahal - Farther on Down the Road

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6E00FFZ2uo

2. Hayes Carll - Wild as a Turkey

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nXT7qRZs3E

3. Band of Skulls - Death by Diamonds and Pearls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEbBIswSsEA

4. The Isley Brothers - This old Heart of Mine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yiOqTG9Nno

5. Daddy Yankee - Que Tengo Que Hacer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7j_0iGBAwU&ob=av2n

6. Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - Answer Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFCE3clzrQc&feature=related

7. Donavon Frankenreiter - What'cha Know About

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQNWCLykjc0

8. Mower - Road Rage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdpncDf6eEA

WARNING - Explicit Lyrics

9. Figurines - The Great Unknow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpPWB-7l1a8

10. Wiz Khalifa & Snoop Dogg - Young, Wild and Free

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vv1nUwjS1jw

I can't even graph the rise in my idiot quotient y=-2(2x-6) or something like that

I clearly remember being able to do math. In full disclosure sometimes I remember things in favor of a self-esteem. It's 1AM and I'm watching college math on UEN and I only understand one thing.

Watching this show is exactly the same as watching a foreign game show. I have no idea what we're trying to accomplish, I don't understand what he's saying and clearly the host made his own clothes.

Can anyone explain this photo to me?

Can anyone explain this photo to me?

Now let's be honest. You're brain would prefer you attempt the first photo. In fact now that you compare the two the first photo seems obvious. Do you know what is really sad, the two men in the first photo can probably explain the second photo. That is not racist! That is a fact! 

I have a few really smart relatives who are going to publicly, privately or both explain that equation to me. Save your strength guys it won't work. My brain gave up math for lent. I know I'm not catholic. You dye Easter eggs and you're not Pagan. Everyone experiments during that holiday.

(And while we're discussing it please stop trying to rephrase my title to make it correctly reflect the point I was making. To do so would sort of miss my point all together.)

Sunday not fun but SERIOUS Day

SUNDAY! I wish I was actually excited. I've heard people say Sunday Funday and I have always thought GO F^&* Yourself. I'm not sure why, but sometimes when I sense happiness I want to stab it in the trachea. Especially today. I'm in the foulest of moods and I have no one to blame but myself.

Today's blog is about one of the ways I try to improve myself as a person. A long time ago I read a story about a woman in Congo and the horrors she witnessed. I'll save the details of that story for another blog. Fast forward years later I stumbled upon a group of activists and have continued educating myself on this particular issue. I immensely enjoyed a book by Dambisa Moyo titled Dead Aid. Which led to my current interest in global economics and  - Stop. I'm getting off track.

I liked a Facebook page called Utah for Congo. I know that was a good decision because she just recommended a PBS show I have been excited for Women, War and Peace. For further details take a magical journey to this website: http://www.pbs.org/wnet/women-war-and-peace/

I plan to watch. I think everyone else should as well. I know it's not as funny as a sitcom or as intense as an action packed thriller. But it's real. There are people who have done amazing things and still do them today. Someday I hope to say I accomplished something as amazing as Leymah Gbowee. But first pants.

Yes that happened

This is an office:

And this is me:
(yes this is an odd picture I happen to be wearing 2 pairs of shorts, 1 bikini top, 3 shirts, 2 tank tops, and 2 dresses. Man I miss those shoes)

And this is the story of when this girl and this office tango'd:

The occupant of this office is my mother. She worked at a company that was directly connected to a company that I worked for. She went to Hawaii, which was rude because I did not go to Hawaii. Or maybe it wasn't Hawaii. I don't think I listened to where she went all I heard was "blah blah blah and you're not going." Oh really?

Stacy meets with her mothers boss and proposes a smallish project. Mothers boss is willing as long as
Stacy takes all blame.

So Stacy finds a disguise (actually the disguise found Stacy and you know it):

So the story goes there were NOT a multitude of minions who gathered together to assist in the construction of an evil master plan. That is a lie propagated by the Tea Party and her majesty the queen. I have photographic evidence that blows that theory clean out of the water:

So together, or I alone depending on who you ask, three walls were quickly constructed. Then a ceiling. Then a cute little light on the ceiling (that was a nice touch). 

We came We saw We spackled We painted. 

We added molding and then we left. Monday morning fresh from Hawaii or the bowels of hell not really sure, Catherine AKA Stacy's mother returned to work......

and walked straight into her new:

CLOSET!!!!!!

I'm not sure what to say

Time to Blog! But it is 9-10ish PM and I have nothing to say. Actually I have quite a bit to say but nothing appropriate. I have 2 and 1/2 hours to blog or of course I get punched in the face by multiple people. I'm kind of blogging at gun point if you think about it.

What the hell was that supposed to represent? We learned a lot of things just now. One in the first we learned that it takes me a long time to draw a stupid picture because I am now down to one hour before massacre. Second, clearly  I believe all violent offenders have giant ears and are not afraid to use them. Thirdly why did I draw a unicorn licking my ass? You know after further inspection there is actually nothing right about this picture. I have no chair and the laptop is levitating. My assassin is wielding a boomer rang. Good and Plenty - Is that my "there's a unicorn licking my ass" face? Is that the face I make? Or is that the face I think I make? Either way I'm ashamed. I need a few hours and a mirror because that needs immediate correction. Clear my schedule for the next four days.

This is clearly a better "there's a unicorn licking my ass" face. It's also the perfect "I play ping pong" face and passes in a situation where both are happening. 

There is a long awkward silence needed here, let's acknowledge that together

..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

If you know me, you know that I attended two family functions today. Instead of giving a play by play I think it would be more fun to just list statements made and then refuse to give context. Anyone who can correctly identify things that were said by me gets a prize. 

"Is that your taco or your daughters taco?"

"Oh my gosh you are so pregnant, and you're barefoot, and sort of in a kitchen. The holy trinity"

"He thinks it's blasphemy. Which is exactly why he doesn't have a Facebook"

"Alcohol prevents life. It creates it too. Happened to me four times. True story."

"When I'm staring at the back of your head - I can't help but think you're your mother"

"Can I eat wine for dinner?"

"This cup cake is so good it makes me think about Jesus"

"Tell the doctor to grease your vagina"

"You don't have to wash it once a day. Once a week is just fine."

"Shingles? I'm pretty sure those are hemorrhoids"

"Excuse me. I couldn't help but overhear your dismay, you were asking what kind of person didn't leave a tip. It was me. I didn't leave a tip."

"Where do I park my car?" 

"You have several options, try the garage first."

"Sometimes I start talking about apples and then I'm out." 

"Out of what?" 

"Everything."

And that brings to an end my friggin fraggin Friday. I'm hoping my Saturday is more productive but I doubt it there is a football game at 1:30 and I have strong feelings about American Football and sobriety. They go together like PB&J. And by that I mean only appropriate for children. 

Twit this

I'm going to explain Twitter as I understand it. Also known as I'm going to give you poor information about something I know little about.








I have had several conversations recently with friends who have either attempted twitter and were immediately turned off, have just created a twitter account and are a confused  or are afraid to even attempt twitter because it seems so overwhelming. The point of today's blog is to give a brief explanation and hopefully  a plethora of ideas on how to get the most out of a twitter account.

Everyone starts Twitter the same way, by searching for people they know and following them. But when you only know about 7 people with a twitter account and you're already friends on Facebook it seems kind of lame so what do we do next?
It doesn't have to be complicated. Lets break Twitter in to two parts. When using twitter you are either an observer or a participant.

Observer - who you are following
Participant - who is following you

For the time being let's just concentrate on how to make the most out of Twitter as an observer. Who should you follow? First, clean your slate. Un-follow everyone you are currently following and start over. You can always re-follow your favorites so don't get all clingy about it. Pick a topic. Something simple. Go to your home page. Click on who to follow. Click on browse interests. JUST PICK ONE INTEREST TO START WITH. How about the News? I'm going to pick TIME, Reuters, BBC, PBS, and Huffington Post. What I have now is a very general feed that shows tweets allowing me to quickly peruse the list until I see a headline that captures my interest enough to follow the link and read the full article. I can now check my twitter every morning as a news feed. How Nice.

That was easy let's expand. I play fantasy football. It would be nice to every morning see a quick football rundown. One thing to remember is that there are hundreds of broadcasting outlets and all day long they repeat the same story over and over following everyone in this or any category would just overwhelm your home feed. Pick just a few to get started. I'm going to choose FantasyInsider, MatthewBerryTMR, NFLFantasy News and Michael_Fabiano.

Awesome now I have my news and my fantasy football. What else does a girl need? Well.....I like to laugh. FakePresQuotes, Fake SteveCarell, FunnyorDie, Real Tracy Morgan, Patton Oswalt , LouisCK, etc. it all adds up to Hilarious!!

News, Football and silliness. I love my feed now. Man! I'm a great observer. I took the observing portion of the show and I owned it. So let's segue in to becoming a participant.

Don't panic it's still relatively simple. What are your hobbies? What do you like to talk about? Coin collecting? Art? Gardening? Cooking? Me, I'm kind of in to writing lately. So I follow other writers and writing outlets. After you identify your interest and in some cases your area of expertise it's not hard to find your peers. Home Page - Who to Follow - Browse Interests  now in the search box......search your topic of choice. Check out their profiles. Their websites, their blogs etc. If interested follow. and then ............... here it comes .... tweet.

If you have posted a status, added a comment, liked a comment or shared a comment or link on facebook you are already a pro. Let's take a quick look at your options to engage on twitter:

Favorite - mark this to add a tweet to a favorites list = Like on facebook but it takes it a step further and saves it so you can view it again later. The only time I ever use this is when something is hilarious and I want to show it to someone who doesn't have twitter.
Retweet - It is the equivalent of share on facebook. I do this when I see a really funny message or when one of the more philanthropic groups I follow posts something I want to help spread the word on. Twitter is used to speak to the masses and it occurs when messages are sent from personal network to personal network. This is where reciprocity comes in to play. If you are using twitter to build a network you plan to use for marketing you'll want to be in the habit of doing unto other like minded groups as you would have them do unto you.
Reply - this is the equivalent of commenting directly on a post. This one is the important one when you want to connect with peers and introduce yourself to a group. If your hobby is cooking and after building your community a chef that caught your eye tweets a link to his "everything eggs" blog this is where, after reading the blog, you ask if the recipe requires any adjustment for altitude.

Once you establish how you want to use twitter you can get in to hashtags, trends, lists and mentions. Those things may never even become important to you or they may become second nature. Don't even get me started on Tumblr.

This is just a good starting point. Fairly quickly you'll start following the people that consistently grab your attention and users will follow you in return. Next time you can't decide the best ground covering for a shaded spot of the garden you can tweet about it and all of your new gardening friends will quickly give their suggestions.

There are so many "how to" articles on the use of Twitter that are likely much more thorough and educational and I suggest you read them if you will be using Twitter for anything more than just a past time. 

An actual email to my internet provider

What is to follow is an email I just sent to my internet provider. I actually really liked this company until today when I spoke with an employee named Wendy. Wendy is a class 5 asshole. The type you usually only see in law enforcement and teaching.  Maybe I was out of line. Please let me know if you feel that is the case everyone including me can always use some humbling. 

To whom it may concern:

I just got off the phone with Wendy. She proudly included the tidbit that she is a supervisor. When I asked her who her supervisor was she took a lengthy pause before replying that she doesn't have one but if I wanted to call and ask for Matt I could. Her professionalism is quite astounding. I called to pay my bill because you shut off my internet service. Don't misunderstand. I agree that you should have shut it off, I had not paid the bill since the phone debacle. In fact shutting the phone off only forced a resolution. Well played. Phone debacle you ask? Yes phone debacle.

Clear your schedule. This letter is lengthy and full of twists and turns. You are going to want to call a meeting after this read and that meeting will consist of discussion points like: 

Basic Customer Service Training

How to print and mail a shipping label

Fundamentals of Math

Let's shorten the story so we can get back to that atrocity of a supervisor you call Wendy who may or may not report to Matt she doesn't know.

Salesman stops at my house "You guys want some internet?"

My husband "yeah sure"

Salesman "I have internet and phone for a good price." 

My husband "we don't need phone thanks anyway"

Salesman "Don't give up on me yet, the phone is part of a trial offer. When the trial period is over just call and let them know you do not want to keep the service"

My husband "that always turns in to a hassle. No thanks"

Salesman "we have a no hassle policy."

The phone and internet are connected and all is right in the world...................

phone call 1

My husband "Hi I'm just calling because the trial period is over and I don't want this phone anymore."

Customer Service "No problem we can disconnect the service. Please go online and print a shipping label to return the equipment."

My husband "I don't have a printer you guys don't pick up the equipment?"

Customer Service "No problem I will send you a shipping label

My husband "alright. Do I need to do anything else?"

phone call 2

My husband "Hi I called awhile back and turned off my phone. The phone is still on.

Customer Service "No problem I can disconnect that for you right now. Please go online and print a shipping label to return the equipment."

My husband "We already talked about this. You were sending out a shipping label. Is there another option? Am I still being billed for this?"

Customer Service "Okay I can see some notes were made. I will send out the label. No you will not be billed for the phone."

phone call 3

Me "Hi we called to update our account information because our debit cards were reissued and at the same time turn off the phone. It looks like the phone is still on and you did not debit our account for this months bill. Maybe that's good because it looks like we are still being billed for the phone.

Customer Service "No problem I can disconnect the phone for you right now. Please go online 

Me "I'm gonna stop you right there. Can I speak to someone in your accounting department.

Customer Service "They've gone home for the day."

My husband drives to American Fork and returns the equipment. He asks if he needs to do anything else because our bill shows phone service for a time period when we shouldn't have it. He is told that the bill will be adjusted and a correction sent to us. He replies that the amount can be debited as usual. 

Today my internet is shut off. So I call and oh my lucky stars I get to talk to Wendy. But first I talk to another guy who hangs up on me. Then I talk to another girl who sees what happened and comments I'll need an adjustment but she has to transfer me. Please allow me to present to you a total shit show of ineptitude featuring the worst customer service ever to be employed 

Wendy "blah blah blah blah blah something something how can I help you" I am so caught off guard by the condescension in her voice that I really didn't hear what she said. 

Me "Hi I need to figure out my bill. It was supposed to be corrected and sent to me and it wasn't and now my internet is shut off."

Wendy who has clearly been debriefed of the situation interrupts "Yeah we credited the phone bill from September 27th to October 27th. You never returned the equipment"

Me "Well we called and were told several times it was shut off and we waited several times for shipping labels and finally just drove the thing out and personally and returned it."

Wendy "Fine I can credit another 19.25 but you're still paying taxes. That brings the total to 87 will you be paying by card or check?"

Me "Card"

Wendy "What is the card number?"

Me "424 - wait a minute. What did you mean I am paying taxes?"

Wendy "For the phone."

Me "During the time we didn't have phone service"

Wendy "we don't actually shut it off until we receive the equipment."

Me "Okay can I just point out that I am the customer. This has been a hassle and if I have an attitude it is completely justified. Your attitude on the other hand is really out of line. Why are you upset?"

Wendy "Fine I'll credit back the taxes. Your total is now 40.29 plus a $5 late fee and then an additional 40.29 plus a $5 late fee bringing the total to 90.58. That's more than you would have paid."

Me "what? why?"

Wendy "because you didn't want to pay taxes. So I removed the phone charges completely"

Me "that really doesn't make sense if you removed charges why would it be more?"

Wendy "You didn't want to pay for the phone so I took it off and now I'm just billing you for internet for two months plus late fees"

Me "Why am I paying late fees?"

Wendy "You didn't pay your bill."

Me "You didn't correct the bill until just now. You are charging me for a series of mistakes your company has made."

Wendy "I'm just trying to make you happy. You didn't want to pay for phone and now you don't want to pay this.."

Me "I just want to understand my bill. It does not seem like you and I agree on what I should be paying for."

Wendy "I took a late fee off. Is that what you wanted?"

Me "Can I talk to someone else? You have an attitude that is just really shitty."

Wendy "I removed the phone charges and one of the late fees"

Me "I really just feel like I have to pay this to get service back on and find another internet provider because this has been a colossal failure."

Wendy "I guess."
Me "What is your name?"

Wendy "Wendy. I'm the supervisor of the collection department."

Me "Okay I don't understand how I'm being billed. You are just saying numbers and your explanations make no sense. I'm going to pay this now and try to figure it out my self and I want you to know I will be shopping for a different internet provider.

Wendy "I tried explaining it to you"

Me "You are not making sense. It is costing me more money to have charges removed. Who is your supervisor?"

Wendy - silence

Me "You don't know?"

Wendy "I don't really have one."
Me "That is weird."

Wendy "I guess you can call and ask for Matt."
Me "Your boss is named Matt?"

Wendy "yeah"
Me "It sounds like you are lying are you ready for my card number?"

I give payment info

Me "So will you actually be turning my service on or will I need to call daily to help you get it together"

Wendy "We'll get it back on."

Me "Are you sure you can handle that?"

Wendy "I've already done it."

Now let's take a look at my bill:

Account Overview

Welcome, XXXX XXXXXXX

You get incredible savings when you bundle High Speed Data and Unlimited Phone. To learn more please see our service description pages.

Billing Information

Viewing Information for Account: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Last Payment Amount	Last Date	Current Balance	Statement Balance	Statement From Date	Statement Thru Date
$68.15	07/29/2011	$107.29	$141.30	09/28/2011	10/27/2011

What a shock!! It does not look like Wendy has done ANYTHING AT ALL. And look she did all of her math wrong. I cannot offer you a letter in which you can find Waldo. But I have presented you a letter in which you can find six ways Wendy is a jack ass.   

In closing I would like to reiterate that Wendy is a vile creature who's eye rolling can be heard through the phone. And I still have no idea if I paid my bill.

Thank you for your time,

Stacy Justice esq

soon to be former customer 

Poor Choices

I have a cold. Not just any cold. I have the worst cold to ever infect a person in the history of the universe. This is what I look like today:

This is what I normally look like:

Do you see the horrid transformation cough due to cold and or minor bronchial irritation has done to me? Here is how I have tried to treat this monstrous invasion thus far:

(Saturday) 2 shots of underground herbal liquor, 4 rum and cokes, a cheeseburger, 2 Coors lights, football game, spicy cowboy corn dog with so much mustard, more rum and coke, 3 Coors lights. (little bit o romance) 4 hours sleep, (Sunday) coffee, nap, cheeseburger, Gatorade,  7 Reese's peanut butter cups, 4 chicken nuggets, Dexter, sleep, (Monday) coffee.

CRITICAL NOTE: I've peppered in almost non stop complaining.

None of the above has worked and I am starting to fear that this retched cold is incurable. I am going to go eat a Philly steak sandwich. I feel like it's my last resort. Hannah says there is something called Triaminic but it sounds to new age for me. All I can really do is pray that with more greasy food, chocolate and time I can recover. If that doesn't pan out and the worst is realized. I have a message for everyone who reads this blog. All four of you. But I forget what it is. That's too bad I'm pretty sure it was life changing. 

Teamwork makes the Dream Work

I am still in love with the idea of an arch nemesis. I use to Facebook about this a lot but no one was down for it. I'm still taking applications if you are interested. The only requirement is that we need to be opposites but I am willing to play either role you can be:

modernretrowoman.com

This is great I can do almost none of the things pictured here. Anyone who personifies this would make a great arch nemesis for me. I cannot cook, I cannot combine the comfort of the casual button up flannel with the elegance of a pearl necklace and I cannot look interested in what someone is saying long enough to take a photo. Although......if you look at this picture long enough it is quite obvious she just said "would you shut the #$%^ up and get out of my kitchen? Have you ever been #$%^ slapped by a spatula?" Look at that clown in the background. This is a scary ass photo. Moving On.

OR you can be more like:

ohinternet.com

Here is the one issue with this type of arch nemesis. According to all 900 self portraits on your Facebook and or MySpace you are always in your car or in your bathroom and I don't want to spend any time in either of those places so you are going to have to be willing to not just get ready for and drive to places you have to actually go. Don't worry you can continue to dress as if you are always on your way to a conjugal visit or club. 

In reality you can be any "type" and I am sure we can make it work. I think we operate with a few basic ground rules such as broken bones, NO. stitches, we'll discuss. We can hammer out the details but I'm imagining through out the year we have a few scrapes and small encounters. 

Picture this......you come home from work one day. You're tired. You just want to relax and go to bed. You open the fridge hoping to find the fixings for a simple dinner and BAM! a live chicken covered in BBQ sauce bursts out of the fridge. You drop to your knees and scream STACY!!!!!! There is BBQ and feathers and feces all over everything and you have to admit it's glorious. I go to work the next morning laughing only to discover you faked a pocket dial and left a lengthy drunken message on my boss's voicemail impersonating me calling him a twat. Which is so lame of you. It's not even creative. Do you know how hard it is to cover a live chicken with BBQ while it's in your fridge and leave no evidences? It took me three months to learn how to pick a lock. I had schematics, I dressed up like a ninja and I had to take care of a chicken for two weeks. Drunk dialing my boss was your big prank. You are pathetic. How did you get my bosses number?

These harmless shenanigans culminate in an annual showdown when one of us finally goes too far, LIKE GETTING ME FIRED! and then we end this thing once and for all. Because there can be only on highlander! Not really we just take the summer off. 

I'm thinking something classy like:

collegecandy.com

All I'm asking is that you think about it. Have you ever had someone ring your doorbell and run? Toilet paper your house? Then you think to yourself if I knew who was responsible I would get them back. Or have you ever said out loud "I think she did that on purpose." How would you like to know damn well I did? What are you gonna do huh? What are you gonna do? You gonna cry? Is that a taser? When did you get a taser? You pull the trigger on that and I swear.......

An Aud Story

The title is not a typo and it is pronounced "Odd". My middle child's name is Audrey. She personifies middle child and she is really friggin weird. All stories about Audrey are referred to as Aud stories.

The last time Aud played dress up she stuffed 2 mini basketballs down her pants and there are no words to describe the accompanying dance.

Over the years there are a few explanations I have offered to describe our beloved daughter. The most apt seems to be "If Jerry Lewis and Jim Carrey somehow spawned a love child...

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and that's when she's mellow most of the time it's more like:

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Don't misunderstand Audrey is an exceptionally bright child and absolutely beautiful but when combined with the voice of a chipmunk and the energy of a humming bird any public outing is a complete shit show (there's that phrase, you've been looking for it. You know you have)

It doesn't help that we haven't been the most traditional parents. I blame myself for what has become one of the favorite Aud stories to date. In fact I chose Aud as a topic because today is October 1st and that can only mean one thing. It's time to pull out all the scaries and get ready for my favoritist holiday of all. Every year we create a Liege of Monsters in the front yard ...... I think I have a photo example. NO I'll tell the story first. Over the years we have saved all of our Halloween Costumes and masks and now have quite the bin of horror to be used for our monsters graveyard. Though we have the props we don't exactly have the best know how. So years ago when the plan to showcase these atrocities was originally developed we figured we could take a 7 foot 2x4 and drive it into the ground for a body after nailing a 3-4 foot 2x4 a foot from the top for arms. And then using an old Halloween costume, mask and a dummy head...whala! you've got yourself a pretty crude looking monster. 

Last year the family did something new. We went on a walking Ghost Tour. A guide walked us up a historic street in Park City Utah and down the other side telling us stories from the mining era. Later that same weekend my Children brought their friends on a Ghost Tour of our front yard and told stories about the many monsters........

I'm going to take a short break here to provide one other little piece of info about Aud. I mentioned before that we haven't been the most traditional parents especially considering we are living in Utah. And much to the horror of our extended family we never really got around to teaching Audrey about Mr. J.C. She has of course heard bits and pieces and was able to assemble her own idea........

To my shock and amazement when it was Aud's turn as guide she turned to her audience of young neighborhood kids and began her story of a man that lived a long time ago. He had magical powers and he especially loved little children. They tried to kill him but but he returned from the grave he was called....

JESUS

King of the Zombies

We're kind of thinking about not building zombies out of wooden crosses this year.