Pride and Prejudice

Pride and Prejudice

This is a love story about two people who could not have been more wrong for each other. 

Just ask them they will concur.

Lizzy was the second eldest of five daughter born to two rubes. If she existed beyond the pages of a Jane Eyre novel she would have grown up watching NASCAR and itching in public. Mr Darcy would be a wealthy mild mannered prude but I doubt he would wear tights. Possibly a fohawk. Which, in my opinion, is just as douchey as tights. (pssst sometimes I think fohawks are sexy don't tell anyone)

It works though because Mr Darcy is kind and generous and Lizzy is a kick in the pants. Now wait just a gosh darn minute. According to those who know me best - I'm a kick in the pants. 

So where is my kind and generous Mr. Darcy? 

Well, I've been looking for him and it's been an experience. I've learned some important things that I wasn't aware of. For instance I have a truck load of men promising to treat me like a queen. Telling me I'm amazing. Making me feel beautiful. So what do I do? I momentarily let my attention be snared by the one in the bunch that makes me feel like shit. 

I have heard that women do this and thought it was ridiculous.
Turns out....on some level it's sadly accurate. 

Typical Bitter Man: Women only want a guy who's going to treat her like sh!t

Average woman who either refuses to acknowledge this sad truth or she is not single: Not true

It is! Sometimes, a little bit! It's not cool man.

I went to lunch with a guy. He wasn't even that attractive or funny or smart and he was kind of a dick. He had a crappy job, a boring life story and I was not even slightly interested
until he pointed out that he wasn't fond of my hair. I almost yelled I CAN CHANGE! 

Luckily I got a hold of myself and kept it in. Sadly I toyed with the idea for awhile though.

We continued to text back and forth for a few days. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA. I think I really needed this total a** wipe to acknowledge that I was smokin' hot and he wanted to taste the rainbow that is my skittles.
The more aloof he behaved the more uninterested he seemed, the more I needed his approval, until I pulled my head out and halted communication. 

He text me recently out of the blue. I had no desire to speak to him or even explain my sudden radio silence so I responded with what I thought was short, simple, and straight to the point
Me: Go F%&$ Yourself
Him: Hey I've been busy sorry. Don't be mad
Me: I'm not mad. I don't give a shit. Nobody likes you.
Him: That time of the month?

How DARE HE!!!!!! 

It WAS that time of the month actually, but I did not admit it. 

I needed a moment because all that I could envision was:

Don't judge me. I would totally wear that to a gunfight. Or less. It's brilliant. Remember how I have a motto about pants for every occasion? Well if I were to kill someone I would wear no pants

Officer: You witnessed the shooting

Witness: Yes

Officer: Can you describe the attacker

Witness: She was naked

Officer: Anything else you can tell me?

Witness: NO! She was NAKED

Officer: Height?

Witness: Naked

Officer: Build? 

Witness: Naked

Officer: Hair color?

Witness: Naked......Wait! I took photo's with my phone

Officer: This is just 17 photo's of boobs. Nice.

Back to the jackass who doesn't like my hair..... So I text him back, 'you're a cool guy but I'm not really interested in dating right now. I've got a lot going on blah blah blah' 

(to clarify I said blah blah blah to him because even though I was "letting him down easy" I still wanted to make it clear that I thought he was a f#$%in' a**h@le) 

He replies "Whatever b!tch" 

wha wha wha wha wha wha WHAT?!!!! 

Oh no he didn't [triple snap]

and that's exactly when that 10 minutes of Jersey Shore I watched that one time 

went from pointless to inspirational