I've been told my whole life that we are all god's children. This point only makes sense to me if seen from the right angle. It does reasonably explains my disdain for most people. After all, nobody likes all of their siblings all of the time. Though I believe the point of this idiom is to encourage compassion for all man kind, it has the opposite effect on someone like me. By treating everyone as I would my own brother, I tend to give a lot of folks the finger.
I guess I would understand that magical phrase love one another if I were an angel in heaven. I think about that sometimes, what if I were an angel from heaven?! What if I were sent here to show people the path?! Are you high?! I would suck so hard at that! I have exactly the opposite effect on most people. Give me five minutes with Mother Theresa and she'll be sporting a new habit. (haha habit, I kill me) It's true though. I could never be a regular harp playing angel. Firstly because I can't play the harp good sir, and second because I have never done angel like things. Such as, small acts of kindness.... or gentle reminders of gods love. Or smiles. And I talk a lot about killing kittens and puppies. If I were to be an angel I would have to be an archangel like Michael or Gabriel. They are allowed to speak directly to man on behalf of god.
Unlike other archangels I would talk to everyone all the time, not just prophets. I would spread words far and wide. I would teach many lessons to help bring about a little peace on earth good will to men. Important lessons, one would be an amendment to the 10 commandments.
The Dahlia Lama has said "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." I like that a lot and I wish with all my archangel heart it were true. Let's take a moment to reflect on the serenity of finding inner peace. Then let's introduce a monk to Midwestern Christians and see what happens.
I already employ this strategy in life whenever two opposing forces clearly disagree. Such as when I have no desire to change your mind and you have no hope of changing mine. But as a general rule the #11th commandment should be used immediately anytime and every time any individual starts a sentence in any of the following manner or any derivative of the following:
And the Lord said... Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
God would..... Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
According to the bible...... Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
This nation was founded on..... Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
Our forefathers.....Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
So effective and available in a rainbow of colors!!
Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
Now that I've thought about it this really isn't going to work if just anyone can employ this tactic. I alone would have to decide when it should be used. I would do so as an angel who works form home making phone calls to enlighten the flock.
ring ring ring
Target: Hello?
Me: Hey asshole. This is Archangel Stacy. Your recent self absorbed narcissistic behavior has caught my attention and the Lord wanted me to tell you that we all hope you are gang raped by wild hyenas who force feed you poison oak and only allow you to wash that down with the fresh urine of a boar.
Target: Excuse Me?
Me: I said you are despised to such a degree the gods have chosen to release the kraken. I'm the kraken.
Target: ......silence.......
Me: I would like you to know that sometimes your breath smells like the anus of a yak that has been dead and bloating in a sewage filled river. and sometimes it's worse.
Target: I don't have to listen to this.
Me: Yes you do. Hebrew 13:2 Don't forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it.
Target: What? What does that have to do with anything?
Me: It means you have to listen to me, or you can go to hell. I have a question for you. Have you ever bought a latex balloon full of helium?
Target: what?
Me: Have you ever bought a latex balloon full of helium?
Target: Yes
Me: So you know how a few days later it's weird shapes, bulging and unnaturally wrinkly?
Target: I guess
Me: Mankind would like you to stop wearing skinny jeans for all of the same reasons.
Target: ......silence.......
Me: I am full of negativity and it is all directed at you. But I'm an archangel and as you yourself have preached it's okay to be hateful if you're reasoning is "God said so"
Target: Why are you calling?
Me: Because you needed a proverbial slap upside the head for being an ass hat.
You know after re-reading this little blog I have realized that according to Old Emperor Constantine's bedtime story this exact suggestion is how Satan was both fired and exiled. On the bright side I think I can land this same job for Russian Government.
Disclaimer: I have no animosity or disdain for Christianity or anyone who practices this faith, I simply loathe anyone who uses God as an excuse for being an a$$h*!&
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| You can dance if you want to..... |
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| Stacy Archangel of COME AT ME BRO |
#11 Why don't thou just shut the F*^# up?
I firmly believe that this would solve every argument ever. Try it now at home or with your friends. It's the first line, it's the last line. It's the only line and it's always in question form.
Look I've already converted a monk! That is hard to do.
I already employ this strategy in life whenever two opposing forces clearly disagree. Such as when I have no desire to change your mind and you have no hope of changing mine. But as a general rule the #11th commandment should be used immediately anytime and every time any individual starts a sentence in any of the following manner or any derivative of the following:
And the Lord said... Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
God would..... Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
According to the bible...... Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
This nation was founded on..... Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
Our forefathers.....Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
So effective and available in a rainbow of colors!!
Why don't thou just shut the f*^# up?
Now that I've thought about it this really isn't going to work if just anyone can employ this tactic. I alone would have to decide when it should be used. I would do so as an angel who works form home making phone calls to enlighten the flock.
ring ring ring
Target: Hello?
Me: Hey asshole. This is Archangel Stacy. Your recent self absorbed narcissistic behavior has caught my attention and the Lord wanted me to tell you that we all hope you are gang raped by wild hyenas who force feed you poison oak and only allow you to wash that down with the fresh urine of a boar.
Target: Excuse Me?
Me: I said you are despised to such a degree the gods have chosen to release the kraken. I'm the kraken.
Target: ......silence.......
Me: I would like you to know that sometimes your breath smells like the anus of a yak that has been dead and bloating in a sewage filled river. and sometimes it's worse.
Target: I don't have to listen to this.
Me: Yes you do. Hebrew 13:2 Don't forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it.
Target: What? What does that have to do with anything?
Me: It means you have to listen to me, or you can go to hell. I have a question for you. Have you ever bought a latex balloon full of helium?
Target: what?
Me: Have you ever bought a latex balloon full of helium?
Target: Yes
Me: So you know how a few days later it's weird shapes, bulging and unnaturally wrinkly?
Target: I guess
Me: Mankind would like you to stop wearing skinny jeans for all of the same reasons.
Target: ......silence.......
Me: I am full of negativity and it is all directed at you. But I'm an archangel and as you yourself have preached it's okay to be hateful if you're reasoning is "God said so"
Target: Why are you calling?
Me: Because you needed a proverbial slap upside the head for being an ass hat.
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| I drew his hand using the image of gravy as inspiration |
You know after re-reading this little blog I have realized that according to Old Emperor Constantine's bedtime story this exact suggestion is how Satan was both fired and exiled. On the bright side I think I can land this same job for Russian Government.
Disclaimer: I have no animosity or disdain for Christianity or anyone who practices this faith, I simply loathe anyone who uses God as an excuse for being an a$$h*!&