It has recently become clear to me that marriage is not forever. It's for as long as you can take it, kind of like waterboarding. Waterboarding is used by the CIA to extract intelligence information. Marriage is used by couples to extract admission of odd reasons they hate each other. If you have screamed "The bag does not seal itself! It DOES NOT seal itself! It does NOT seal it's #$%^& self!!" then you my friend have been married.
You have also experienced marriage if you are more aware of things you don't have, than you are of things you do have. When you walk in to the living room do you think:
A. There are those great leather recliners he wanted so bad. How Nice.
It really doesn't matter how you answered. If you are married and not mortified after reading both answers then you are in trouble.
I think we all know where I am going with this. I have been married for 12 years and I have an announcement. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are divorcing. Some people just can't handle a little waterboarding.
You have also experienced marriage if you are more aware of things you don't have, than you are of things you do have. When you walk in to the living room do you think:
A. There are those great leather recliners he wanted so bad. How Nice.
OR
B. Well there is where my couch would have gone if the #$%bucket didn't insist we buy those #$%^ chairs instead.
Have you ever hated something on the wall. Really developed a deep hatred in your core for a piece of decor. Ever stared at it while thinking hateful things like "You're a dirty fat $%^&" That is a sign that there is trouble lurking around your happily ever after.
Take a look at these 5 questions and circle your first non verbal response:
1. You didn't stop and get the chicken like I asked?
- oops! I forgot
- GET YOUR OWN #$%^ING CHICKEN!
2. Can you move the clothes from the washer to the dryer?
- Sure
- Can you douche your face your breath smells like a kittens @#$hole
- I don't know - something comfortable
- Why would I give a $%^ I'll be looking at ANYONE ELSE
- sorry
- The sound of your voice makes my nipples retract
- enjoy
- I'm going to crap in your coffin someday
It really doesn't matter how you answered. If you are married and not mortified after reading both answers then you are in trouble.
I think we all know where I am going with this. I have been married for 12 years and I have an announcement. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are divorcing. Some people just can't handle a little waterboarding.