You say Dr, I hear Jacka**

I have major issues with the medical community. Before you get your scrubs in a bunch let me explain my point of view. I think you're all ignorant sons of B!7c#3'5 and I want to shove that clicker pen through your eye and out your a55! You might feel a little pressure :)

Seems a little harsh. It is. I wanted it to be obvious in case a doctor was reading this. 

"If it's not obvious then it's a mystery and I can't treat it" All Doctors

Disclaimer: In my lifetime I have come across a few GREAT doctors. They are the exception to this opinion and they are rare.

No one is good at everything. I get that. A really good carpenter may not be the best dance partner. An amazing coffee barista could possibly totally suck at computer programming. A doctor can memorize the shit out of a text book but blows whale ass at EVERYTHING ELSE. clipping their nose hairs. Treating their halitosis, speaking to their patients with anything other than arrogant condensation. Most specifically it's the business model. Let's examine three situations:

1. You hire a painter. They don't paint your house, but they do stand in the street weaving a paint brush which they refer to as a test to see whether the house is paintable. You do not pay this person that is ridiculous.
2. You order a meal in a restaurant. The waiter sings Don McLean's American Pie instead. Though you clearly stated you were hungry, the waiter insisted your hunger was caused by your need for more cowbell. You do not pay the bill, a classic was not what you ordered.
3. You go to the doctor for a specific symptom. The doctor takes a guess and gets it wrong. YOU PAY HIM. Then you have to go back for a second guess and a third and a fourth and you pay every time. But you don't pay him, you pay a company to pay him and then that company shares the pleasure and has you pay him some too. Before He'll even see you.

"I believe your migraines are caused by an excessive amount of money. If you give some to me and the rest to entities associated with me I believe you will feel basically the same." All Doctors

Do you know what other profession uses the same "pay me for guesses" business model? Fortune Tellers.

I have an idea that will revolutionize the industry. We get rid of insurance companies. BAM! gone. We pay the doctors directly at a reasonable and competitive rate. Whenever you are ill or require medical attention you see a team of doctors. The one that can cure you gets paid. And ONLY the one that can cure you. They need a test to figure it out? They pay for it. All other professions acquire the tools to master their trade at their own cost. It's an investment to increase their value and grow their business. Doctors should be the same. You need surgery? Pay the doctor and he pays for the room and the lights and the swabs and all the other ridiculous shit on the hospital bill. If you hire a caterer they don't charge you a separate bill because they used a kitchen.

Don't misunderstand I don't have an issue paying for services when services are received. My issue is that doctors no longer bother to treat their patients. They are paid the same rate regardless. Even if they are shitty doctors they see patients because insurance companies have them listed as the option they'll pay for. And it gets worse. The more treatment required the more payment received. Doctors benefit from prolonging your illness. Doctors also benefit by prescribing certain drugs. I have every reason to believe I experienced this recently due to an unscrupulous son of a B!7c# AKA doctor. 

I would like to present that doctor with this offer. If there's money to be made in pain and suffering. How's abouts I push you down the steps and you can prescribe yourself whatever pays the bills. Blink once for the brand on your notepad and twice for the brand on your pen. 

I'm officially a little bit older

I have birthdays that mark my progression.. New Years is another annual reminder that time is passing. But there is nothing and I repeat nothing that clarifies aging like the tale I am about to tell.
I have recommitted myself to fitness. I do this a lot, luckily for me I maintain a pretty healthy weight and eating habits. If things go south I'm going to tell a lot more fat jokes (due to my need to self deprecate). I'm on a good two week run of consecutive gym attendance right now and things are looking optimistic. Then again I have this weird habit that might not be so weird. Whenever I am working out like mad I also eat like.....well like........ let me show you something.

Yes that explains it. Working out gives me a terrible case of the Kobayashi's. 

I digress. A case of the Kobayashi's is not why I have gathered words here today. This is a story about the time my slow decent in to a decrepit old state slapped me in the face at the gym.

It was a dark night. The cloud cover blocked the moonlight causing aforementioned darkness. It was a balmy 34 degrees also known as COLD AS SHIT. All was right in the world (not really). I waltzed into the gym like I do on any other night. Full of pep and spunk. I lifted here I lifted there. I did some slow methodical curls in front of the full length mirror with an impressive 15 pound dumbbell. Before you mock me remember I have the frail arms of a 12 year old girl. From Ethiopia. 

I hit the machines. There's one that looks like this:

If you ever get the chance, try this one out. But instead of pedaling just push both feet down at the same time. Both up then repeat. It's a wicked good time.

Then I tried out a machine that looks like this:

You may have already guessed that I don't have a good visual memory and that I don't really recall what any of these machines look like. I blame the hypothetical pot I hypothetically smoked with my hypothetical friends in the land of Honalee. Point is, this final machine you had to pull on a bar or something and it lifted weight.
When I first sat down the person before me was clearly a spartan because they had a ridiculous amount of weight on there, but being the smarmy character I am I thought I would give it a pull to the audible amusement of my fellow gym goers. So I sat down and I pulled REALLY hard to the sound of my own grunting.

And that's when I pee'd a little

Exit Strategy

Thursday is Thanksgiving. I'm not that fond of Turkey and yams but I'll eat a bowl vat of mash potaters and gravy like a boss. Depending on who prepared them... Depending on who prepared them you ask? Yes! is my emphatic reply. Think about your favorite restaurant, your favorite dish. Would it still be your favorite if you could see the cooks? The unibrows, the gunts, the dirty fingernails, the flaky skin, the afro mullet? In my family Thanksgiving is a giant buffet where everyone contributes. I never eat based on what looks edible but based on who brought what. If this is true in your family and your disappointed no one ate your casserole it's not because you overcooked the noodles it's more likely because you need to trim the nose hairs Panama Jack.

Also, you overcooked the noodles. Way to fail.

Every year I run into my grandmothers house and yell "WHO BROUGHT THE F$%^&ING CHEESECAKE!!!!"

and then I see:

and then I scream: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not worried that my family reads my blog and will greet me with torch and pitchfork. They learned to dislike me years ago. Or so I would think, but I must be wrong because I seem to always encounter my second discomfort with Thanksgiving which is chit chat with a gathering of people whom are family yet I only know them through Facebook. Somehow I know weird intimate details about them. Their hopes, their fears, their bad break ups, their hatred of Mondays and love of Fridays. Who their voting for. The fact that they LOVE booze on Friday and Jesus on Sunday. (to these people I say pick a road and stop straddling). I know all of these things but this is as far into a conversation as we can get:

Hi. Good to see you!
good to see you too.
[dead air] ..............
I should go say Hi to grandma

I suppose it could be worse. I don't exactly want one of my uncles to ask me why and when I named it hellcat (Halloween) but what if they do acknowledge they know what I'm referring to when I mention my turkey waddle and then giggle. #instantregret

Although that particular name game would propel me into my least favorite portion of the show. The goodbye. In my defense I have come a long way and I now submit to the inevitable hug. I hate it though and this may be the year I take four steps back and end things more to my taste.

AVOIDING HUGS: My exit strategy's of yesteryear:
I faked I was choking and launched out the door on the guise I needed some fresh air
I picked up three large boxes (I was foiled when a certain relative just waited until I loaded them into the trunk. Which I then had to return later that day because those boxes were not mine)
I spilled a drink on myself - cream based works best apparently no one wants to hug a slimy mess.
I sneezed and let it run free (I was desperate) snot is just as effective as a cream based liquid.
I pinched my daughter. She cried. I swooped her up and held her close. Face into my chest so no one could hear her accuse me of pinching her and then it was "shh shh shh" and out the door! RUN FOREST!
I owned it Mission Impossible style. I crept out the front door got into the car and started honking. My family was confused but I got out of there with just a wave.
My daughter Audrey can fart on command. It's loud and it's proud and I have aimed and fired that child in a time of need.

This year I'm going in with a positive attitude and I'm bringing the pasta salad. I'm going to watch 15 back to back republican debates and I'm going to converse the sh*t out of those yolks. Then as their arms expand for the hug...... Fist bumps for all and for all a good night.

The sign of the Beaver and other randomness

The sign of the Beaver is a book my daughter must read for school. She is not happy about it. Her displeasure reminds me of how I felt about that dolphin book. Island of the Blue Dolphins. I still clearly remember being so annoyed with the story that when Miss #$%^& (forgot her name) asked me "what would you like to see happen next?" I replied "I would like her to die!"

Tonight I witnessed a bottle of wine being opened with a pocket knife for my benefit. Don't get the wrong idea, the gents wielding said crude tool was my father and youngest brother and no one here plays the banjo. But as I watched I thought of something innovative. I think all pocket knives should be equipped with GPS and automatic notifications. I think this would be useful for many many reasons the reason that crossed my mind in this moment was an auto notification to the local AA. The use of that tiny cork screw wreaks of desperation. You can't have desperation without lack of preparation and poor decision making and all three are being pursued by regret.

As many of you know the whole point to my blog is an exercise in exposure. If I can get used to people reading my inner thoughts perhaps I can overcome my writers block and get on with completing my book. That said it isn't helping and I'm thinking I should turn the dial up on my level of exposure. I know only one way to do this. I shall reveal all of the 2011 names for my mmmhmmm [points to nether region]. I change the name quite frequently sometimes dressing it up for the holiday, sometimes influenced by current events, other times because I thought of something really funny. I refuse to explain any of them unless you ask nicely.

Shadow                       HellCat                   Sea Biscuit      
Pandora                       Scarlet O'hara         Steve
Ground Zero                Tinsel Town           Simper Fi
Cape Cod                    GateKeeper            20,000 leagues
Fun Center                   Tunnel of Love       Party City
Winter Wonderland      Four Alarm Fire      Front Butt
Backstreet Bonanza      Hall Monitor           Snapper
Feed me Seymour        Deadliest Catch       snuffleufapuss
My Other Lazy Eye      Montezuma             Widow Maker
The Iron Fist                Slip N Slide             IHole 4.0
PeaceMaker                 Cave of Wonders    crematorium
Captian                        3.14                        Welcome Wagon
Occupy Wall Street    Pandoras Beard      The looking Glass

Thanks you and good night :)

And now for something completely different ...

Today is Tuesday - which is weird because it was Tuesday all day yesterday until around 5 when someone brought to my attention it was actually Monday. I cannot explain how hard that sucked! However due to my confusion it's as if I gained a day and I'm repeating my Tuesday :)
This has made me wonder just how affected or is it effected? I can never remember this one. I know my their they're and there as well as my to, too, and two but affect and effect still trip me up. Let's try that sentence again using a trick I taught myself
This has made me wonder just how impacted I am by what day it is. I was in a great mood and really productive until I realized it was Monday. That's when it all went away and I sat down. Therefor I decree I shall have two healthy doses of Tuesday and eliminate Monday all together. This is similar to my previous elimination of Thursday allowing me to enjoy 1st Friday and Friday respectively.

My New Calendar:

Sunday

Tuesday

Twosday

Wednesday

1st Friday

Friday

Saturday

This gives us:
Sunday - the day of rest (recovery) Eat rehydrate and be merry for tomorrow you work
Tuesday - The week has begun you have deadlines, expectations, needs, errands it's the beginingish of the week and the potential is limitless. DREAM BIG you can do anything by Friday!
Twosday - All the big ideas of yesterday have been put in to perspective, downsized, and can now truly be accomplished. Still the beginning of the week plenty of time to cross a thing or two off the list.
Wednesday - Wednesday irritatingly known as Humpday (FYI if I'm wished a happy hump day I celebrate by letting my foot hump your crotch)

Wednesday - is the day anyone in business knows as the scapegoat day. When you stumble upon something that requires attention always be happy it was discovered on a Wednesday. Completing the task by the end of the week is a pretty harsh demand. Every boss big or small knows it's too early in the week to ignore too late in the week to complete therefor we all default to "let's visit this first thing Monday" Ha! now we have two whole Tuesdays to work on it :)
1st Friday - you actually work because it's not really Friday. This is the day of the mad dash to complete the weeks to do's because you know damn well you are worthless Friday. After a tough day at "the office" 1st Friday is a great night for a drink with friends, a date, a football game, a late night movie etc
Friday - The beauty of the psychology of 1st Friday is that when you work on actual Friday you'll actually work. You may be a tad tired from the evening before but you're not pent up with a need to escape the work week and get on to the weekend.
Saturday - How do I explain Saturday? I can't, but I know who can. Ladies and Gentleman the Black Eyed Peas (psst click on the link - I haven't figured out how to embed links in pictures on blogger)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c04EMCF9lyI

......and that will bring us back to Doe!

So today is Twosday. I am in a fantastical mood for absolutely no reason. I really don't have a whole lot to be happy about because these days my life has become a total shit show. I swear to bejeeddgus (bejeeddgus is a mythical creature created by my daughter Aud. It is the love child of Jesus and Buddha. He does magic tricks, loves children, and is pushing 300lbs) I can't get a win. Work sucks, home sucks, love sucks, money sucks, weather sucks, writers block sucks, and I'm cold. Even with all of the aforementioned sucks its hard not to see a light. Aud's second grade teacher at Foxboro was awful and so were her classmates. You could see every day that she came home her little light was a bit dimmer. Today was her first day at the new school and her teacher laughed and smiled and so did Aud. And so did I.

Bejeeddgus

Divorce

It has recently become clear to me that marriage is not forever. It's for as long as you can take it, kind of like waterboarding. Waterboarding is used by the CIA to extract intelligence information. Marriage is used by couples to extract admission of odd reasons they hate each other. If you have screamed "The bag does not seal itself! It DOES NOT seal itself! It does NOT seal it's #$%^& self!!" then you my friend have been married.

You have also experienced marriage if you are more aware of things you don't have, than you are of things you do have. When you walk in to the living room do you think:

A. There are those great leather recliners he wanted so bad. How Nice.

OR

B. Well there is where my couch would have gone if the #$%bucket didn't insist we buy those #$%^ chairs instead. 

Have you ever hated something on the wall. Really developed a deep hatred in your core for a piece of decor. Ever stared at it while thinking hateful things like "You're a dirty fat $%^&" That is a sign that there is trouble lurking around your happily ever after.

Take a look at these 5 questions and circle your first non verbal response:

1. You didn't stop and get the chicken like I asked?

• oops! I forgot
• GET YOUR OWN #$%^ING CHICKEN!

2. Can you move the clothes from the washer to the dryer?

• Sure
• Can you douche your face your breath smells like a kittens @#$hole

3. What should I wear Friday?

• I don't know - something comfortable
• Why would I give a $%^ I'll be looking at ANYONE ELSE

4. You never listen

• sorry
• The sound of your voice makes my nipples retract

5. I'm going to watch Football

• enjoy
• I'm going to crap in your coffin someday

It really doesn't matter how you answered. If you are married and not mortified after reading both answers then you are in trouble.

I think we all know where I am going with this. I have been married for 12 years and I have an announcement. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are divorcing. Some people just can't handle a little waterboarding.

b-b-b-blogging and the jets

It's been a while blog. We are definitely back to that awkward stage, I'm wearing pants while I write this. Pants have a lot of significance to me. I feel like your day is set based on your pants. I know I'm going to do what I set out to do if I put some pants on. No pants = lying to myself and everyone within ear shot. Next time we are on the phone and I commit to an activity or say "I'm on my way" ask me what pants I'm wearing. If I hesitate there is a high probability that I am wearing pants not suited for the adventure or possibly no pants at all.
You ready to fight crime Stace? Hell yeah. What pants are you wearing?............. if tights wasn't my immediate response I'm never gonna show up. You will wait in the alley all night. You will be mugged, raped, and killed. When friends and strangers and police ask me if I had any idea why you were in an alley at 2 am I will shrug my shoulders and say "I don't know I was in bed." They will say "what pants were you wearing?" I will easily respond "soccer shorts"

Right now I'm wearing my blogging pants which are exactly as attractive as they sound.

If I were a cabillionaire I would have designated pants for every occasion. Even showering. But not for baking!

I don't even want to begin to explain the occasion these pants would be used for. Hint there is a giant growling cat coming out of the crotch area

I was just going through my Face Book. How is it there are people out there that I have 32 friends in common yet we have never met? are all of my friends shamefully hiding me from their one other friend? Does this explain some odd staring I have experienced in public? Perhaps the person staring at me has heard from 32 other people that I once bit some one and they are looking at me thinking "she looks like a biter" or "I can totally see her spraying ketchup on the elderly at a shopping mall" Ha!! I know you are reading this. Do you remember that? That was hilarious.

Or maybe it's my Wal-Mart boycott. I haven't shopped at Wal-Mart in 12 years because I think they @#$% $%^&^ $%^%$# !@#$% %^&* with furry woodland creatures. I think the same of the Hilton family but mostly because they resemble wombats.

Seven degrees of separation eh? How about 1 degree of separation 32 ways. This is why I stalk you. One day I hope we will meet and I will tell you a lot of things about you and you will wonder if it's just because we have so many mutual friends. It's not. Enjoy your salad and get to bed early you have that big day tomorrow.

Friggin Fraggin Friday Again

You know how this works. Two part post. Here is what I intend to do, what I end up doing will be posted later.

Morning:
Pants - yep
Gym - yep
Coffee - yep

Work:
Answer Emails - yep
Return Calls - yesish
Make a Billion Dollars - so close. Made four.

Errands:
Grocery Store - neope
Bank - neope
MMA Training Facility - neope

Scrub down:
Kitchen - mostlyish
Bathrooms - yes
Living Room - yeppers
Bedrooms - not so much
Laundry - suck it! i did do this. technically i finished sunday but still I owned that shat.

AND THEN!:
Paint the walls in the twins room - yes. I'll repeat YES (it looks like shat)
adjust monthly budget - not so much
paint my toenails - anyone know how to get glitter toes off? I'm going to try a belt sander.
Write - YES. Thats right I did this. 
Blog - I got around to that on Tuesday as you can see BUT I did run a 5k. Actually I walked a block and had ice cream but three people I was with ran a 5k
Study a map - no
Challenge the boy to a State's challenge - I did challenge him but have not yet had the showdown
Dinner - yep
Glass of Wine - oh yes
Movie - yep
Bed - course :)

I'm going to do all of this stuff or some of this stuff maybe none of this stuff. True Dat

what?

It's blog o'clock somewhere right?

I'm about to go work out. Get me Phys Ed on. My workouts are really lame. I have no idea what I'm doing I just move around in ways that strain until I'm tired. I figure that'll do. Sometimes I repeatedly pick up things that are heavy. Tonight my workout may lead to a discovery because I've recently had an addition to my list of body curiosity. (body curiosity is a list of things I find strange in, on or around my body) ((this list is getting longer as I get older and will soon be renamed ooh gross)) but more about my newest addition to this list. First allow me to tell you a less recent observation.

You know how when you get tacos from a drive thru and next time you get in the car there is a really rank smell from the recent past presence of taco? This is typically discovered in the morning. I named that smell taco car. I am not a fan and have a low tolerance for this aroma. When someone says, do you want a ride? My decision is based on the strength of taco car I experienced during car rides of yester year with driver in question.

Back to my list - recently I had BO that smelled exactly like taco car. It took all day to figure that out. I kept getting a hint of it. I blamed the kitchen, the couch, the back of my sons head, my feet, etc.  Eventually I discovered it was coming from me and thus added taco pit to the body curiosity list. I'm wondering if it is because I have been eating a lot of nuts lately. Cashews to be specific. I'm going to do a series of tests and if my suspicions are correct I may send out a PSA cashews are the leading cause of taco pit. I don't want anymore victims.

I have to admit I look pretty hot in crayon. 

After re-reading what I intend to post I wonder if I should work a little harder on my image. I don't know that a public revelation of my shame surrounding bouts of taco pit are painting the picture I want others to head doodle when they think of me..... 

How about this? I'll put my ipod on shuffle and tell you the first ten songs chosen. 

Then you can make snap judgments based on what I typically perform in my car. 

(as opposed to smells your car and I may sometimes have in common)

1. Taj Mahal - Farther on Down the Road

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6E00FFZ2uo

2. Hayes Carll - Wild as a Turkey

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nXT7qRZs3E

3. Band of Skulls - Death by Diamonds and Pearls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEbBIswSsEA

4. The Isley Brothers - This old Heart of Mine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yiOqTG9Nno

5. Daddy Yankee - Que Tengo Que Hacer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7j_0iGBAwU&ob=av2n

6. Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - Answer Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFCE3clzrQc&feature=related

7. Donavon Frankenreiter - What'cha Know About

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQNWCLykjc0

8. Mower - Road Rage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdpncDf6eEA

WARNING - Explicit Lyrics

9. Figurines - The Great Unknow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpPWB-7l1a8

10. Wiz Khalifa & Snoop Dogg - Young, Wild and Free

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vv1nUwjS1jw

I can't even graph the rise in my idiot quotient y=-2(2x-6) or something like that

I clearly remember being able to do math. In full disclosure sometimes I remember things in favor of a self-esteem. It's 1AM and I'm watching college math on UEN and I only understand one thing.

Watching this show is exactly the same as watching a foreign game show. I have no idea what we're trying to accomplish, I don't understand what he's saying and clearly the host made his own clothes.

Can anyone explain this photo to me?

Can anyone explain this photo to me?

Now let's be honest. You're brain would prefer you attempt the first photo. In fact now that you compare the two the first photo seems obvious. Do you know what is really sad, the two men in the first photo can probably explain the second photo. That is not racist! That is a fact! 

I have a few really smart relatives who are going to publicly, privately or both explain that equation to me. Save your strength guys it won't work. My brain gave up math for lent. I know I'm not catholic. You dye Easter eggs and you're not Pagan. Everyone experiments during that holiday.

(And while we're discussing it please stop trying to rephrase my title to make it correctly reflect the point I was making. To do so would sort of miss my point all together.)

Sunday not fun but SERIOUS Day

SUNDAY! I wish I was actually excited. I've heard people say Sunday Funday and I have always thought GO F^&* Yourself. I'm not sure why, but sometimes when I sense happiness I want to stab it in the trachea. Especially today. I'm in the foulest of moods and I have no one to blame but myself.

Today's blog is about one of the ways I try to improve myself as a person. A long time ago I read a story about a woman in Congo and the horrors she witnessed. I'll save the details of that story for another blog. Fast forward years later I stumbled upon a group of activists and have continued educating myself on this particular issue. I immensely enjoyed a book by Dambisa Moyo titled Dead Aid. Which led to my current interest in global economics and  - Stop. I'm getting off track.

I liked a Facebook page called Utah for Congo. I know that was a good decision because she just recommended a PBS show I have been excited for Women, War and Peace. For further details take a magical journey to this website: http://www.pbs.org/wnet/women-war-and-peace/

I plan to watch. I think everyone else should as well. I know it's not as funny as a sitcom or as intense as an action packed thriller. But it's real. There are people who have done amazing things and still do them today. Someday I hope to say I accomplished something as amazing as Leymah Gbowee. But first pants.

Yes that happened

This is an office:

And this is me:
(yes this is an odd picture I happen to be wearing 2 pairs of shorts, 1 bikini top, 3 shirts, 2 tank tops, and 2 dresses. Man I miss those shoes)

And this is the story of when this girl and this office tango'd:

The occupant of this office is my mother. She worked at a company that was directly connected to a company that I worked for. She went to Hawaii, which was rude because I did not go to Hawaii. Or maybe it wasn't Hawaii. I don't think I listened to where she went all I heard was "blah blah blah and you're not going." Oh really?

Stacy meets with her mothers boss and proposes a smallish project. Mothers boss is willing as long as
Stacy takes all blame.

So Stacy finds a disguise (actually the disguise found Stacy and you know it):

So the story goes there were NOT a multitude of minions who gathered together to assist in the construction of an evil master plan. That is a lie propagated by the Tea Party and her majesty the queen. I have photographic evidence that blows that theory clean out of the water:

So together, or I alone depending on who you ask, three walls were quickly constructed. Then a ceiling. Then a cute little light on the ceiling (that was a nice touch). 

We came We saw We spackled We painted. 

We added molding and then we left. Monday morning fresh from Hawaii or the bowels of hell not really sure, Catherine AKA Stacy's mother returned to work......

and walked straight into her new:

CLOSET!!!!!!

I'm not sure what to say

Time to Blog! But it is 9-10ish PM and I have nothing to say. Actually I have quite a bit to say but nothing appropriate. I have 2 and 1/2 hours to blog or of course I get punched in the face by multiple people. I'm kind of blogging at gun point if you think about it.

What the hell was that supposed to represent? We learned a lot of things just now. One in the first we learned that it takes me a long time to draw a stupid picture because I am now down to one hour before massacre. Second, clearly  I believe all violent offenders have giant ears and are not afraid to use them. Thirdly why did I draw a unicorn licking my ass? You know after further inspection there is actually nothing right about this picture. I have no chair and the laptop is levitating. My assassin is wielding a boomer rang. Good and Plenty - Is that my "there's a unicorn licking my ass" face? Is that the face I make? Or is that the face I think I make? Either way I'm ashamed. I need a few hours and a mirror because that needs immediate correction. Clear my schedule for the next four days.

This is clearly a better "there's a unicorn licking my ass" face. It's also the perfect "I play ping pong" face and passes in a situation where both are happening. 

There is a long awkward silence needed here, let's acknowledge that together

..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

If you know me, you know that I attended two family functions today. Instead of giving a play by play I think it would be more fun to just list statements made and then refuse to give context. Anyone who can correctly identify things that were said by me gets a prize. 

"Is that your taco or your daughters taco?"

"Oh my gosh you are so pregnant, and you're barefoot, and sort of in a kitchen. The holy trinity"

"He thinks it's blasphemy. Which is exactly why he doesn't have a Facebook"

"Alcohol prevents life. It creates it too. Happened to me four times. True story."

"When I'm staring at the back of your head - I can't help but think you're your mother"

"Can I eat wine for dinner?"

"This cup cake is so good it makes me think about Jesus"

"Tell the doctor to grease your vagina"

"You don't have to wash it once a day. Once a week is just fine."

"Shingles? I'm pretty sure those are hemorrhoids"

"Excuse me. I couldn't help but overhear your dismay, you were asking what kind of person didn't leave a tip. It was me. I didn't leave a tip."

"Where do I park my car?" 

"You have several options, try the garage first."

"Sometimes I start talking about apples and then I'm out." 

"Out of what?" 

"Everything."

And that brings to an end my friggin fraggin Friday. I'm hoping my Saturday is more productive but I doubt it there is a football game at 1:30 and I have strong feelings about American Football and sobriety. They go together like PB&J. And by that I mean only appropriate for children. 

Twit this

I'm going to explain Twitter as I understand it. Also known as I'm going to give you poor information about something I know little about.








I have had several conversations recently with friends who have either attempted twitter and were immediately turned off, have just created a twitter account and are a confused  or are afraid to even attempt twitter because it seems so overwhelming. The point of today's blog is to give a brief explanation and hopefully  a plethora of ideas on how to get the most out of a twitter account.

Everyone starts Twitter the same way, by searching for people they know and following them. But when you only know about 7 people with a twitter account and you're already friends on Facebook it seems kind of lame so what do we do next?
It doesn't have to be complicated. Lets break Twitter in to two parts. When using twitter you are either an observer or a participant.

Observer - who you are following
Participant - who is following you

For the time being let's just concentrate on how to make the most out of Twitter as an observer. Who should you follow? First, clean your slate. Un-follow everyone you are currently following and start over. You can always re-follow your favorites so don't get all clingy about it. Pick a topic. Something simple. Go to your home page. Click on who to follow. Click on browse interests. JUST PICK ONE INTEREST TO START WITH. How about the News? I'm going to pick TIME, Reuters, BBC, PBS, and Huffington Post. What I have now is a very general feed that shows tweets allowing me to quickly peruse the list until I see a headline that captures my interest enough to follow the link and read the full article. I can now check my twitter every morning as a news feed. How Nice.

That was easy let's expand. I play fantasy football. It would be nice to every morning see a quick football rundown. One thing to remember is that there are hundreds of broadcasting outlets and all day long they repeat the same story over and over following everyone in this or any category would just overwhelm your home feed. Pick just a few to get started. I'm going to choose FantasyInsider, MatthewBerryTMR, NFLFantasy News and Michael_Fabiano.

Awesome now I have my news and my fantasy football. What else does a girl need? Well.....I like to laugh. FakePresQuotes, Fake SteveCarell, FunnyorDie, Real Tracy Morgan, Patton Oswalt , LouisCK, etc. it all adds up to Hilarious!!

News, Football and silliness. I love my feed now. Man! I'm a great observer. I took the observing portion of the show and I owned it. So let's segue in to becoming a participant.

Don't panic it's still relatively simple. What are your hobbies? What do you like to talk about? Coin collecting? Art? Gardening? Cooking? Me, I'm kind of in to writing lately. So I follow other writers and writing outlets. After you identify your interest and in some cases your area of expertise it's not hard to find your peers. Home Page - Who to Follow - Browse Interests  now in the search box......search your topic of choice. Check out their profiles. Their websites, their blogs etc. If interested follow. and then ............... here it comes .... tweet.

If you have posted a status, added a comment, liked a comment or shared a comment or link on facebook you are already a pro. Let's take a quick look at your options to engage on twitter:

Favorite - mark this to add a tweet to a favorites list = Like on facebook but it takes it a step further and saves it so you can view it again later. The only time I ever use this is when something is hilarious and I want to show it to someone who doesn't have twitter.
Retweet - It is the equivalent of share on facebook. I do this when I see a really funny message or when one of the more philanthropic groups I follow posts something I want to help spread the word on. Twitter is used to speak to the masses and it occurs when messages are sent from personal network to personal network. This is where reciprocity comes in to play. If you are using twitter to build a network you plan to use for marketing you'll want to be in the habit of doing unto other like minded groups as you would have them do unto you.
Reply - this is the equivalent of commenting directly on a post. This one is the important one when you want to connect with peers and introduce yourself to a group. If your hobby is cooking and after building your community a chef that caught your eye tweets a link to his "everything eggs" blog this is where, after reading the blog, you ask if the recipe requires any adjustment for altitude.

Once you establish how you want to use twitter you can get in to hashtags, trends, lists and mentions. Those things may never even become important to you or they may become second nature. Don't even get me started on Tumblr.

This is just a good starting point. Fairly quickly you'll start following the people that consistently grab your attention and users will follow you in return. Next time you can't decide the best ground covering for a shaded spot of the garden you can tweet about it and all of your new gardening friends will quickly give their suggestions.

There are so many "how to" articles on the use of Twitter that are likely much more thorough and educational and I suggest you read them if you will be using Twitter for anything more than just a past time. 

An actual email to my internet provider

What is to follow is an email I just sent to my internet provider. I actually really liked this company until today when I spoke with an employee named Wendy. Wendy is a class 5 asshole. The type you usually only see in law enforcement and teaching.  Maybe I was out of line. Please let me know if you feel that is the case everyone including me can always use some humbling. 

To whom it may concern:

I just got off the phone with Wendy. She proudly included the tidbit that she is a supervisor. When I asked her who her supervisor was she took a lengthy pause before replying that she doesn't have one but if I wanted to call and ask for Matt I could. Her professionalism is quite astounding. I called to pay my bill because you shut off my internet service. Don't misunderstand. I agree that you should have shut it off, I had not paid the bill since the phone debacle. In fact shutting the phone off only forced a resolution. Well played. Phone debacle you ask? Yes phone debacle.

Clear your schedule. This letter is lengthy and full of twists and turns. You are going to want to call a meeting after this read and that meeting will consist of discussion points like: 

Basic Customer Service Training

How to print and mail a shipping label

Fundamentals of Math

Let's shorten the story so we can get back to that atrocity of a supervisor you call Wendy who may or may not report to Matt she doesn't know.

Salesman stops at my house "You guys want some internet?"

My husband "yeah sure"

Salesman "I have internet and phone for a good price." 

My husband "we don't need phone thanks anyway"

Salesman "Don't give up on me yet, the phone is part of a trial offer. When the trial period is over just call and let them know you do not want to keep the service"

My husband "that always turns in to a hassle. No thanks"

Salesman "we have a no hassle policy."

The phone and internet are connected and all is right in the world...................

phone call 1

My husband "Hi I'm just calling because the trial period is over and I don't want this phone anymore."

Customer Service "No problem we can disconnect the service. Please go online and print a shipping label to return the equipment."

My husband "I don't have a printer you guys don't pick up the equipment?"

Customer Service "No problem I will send you a shipping label

My husband "alright. Do I need to do anything else?"

phone call 2

My husband "Hi I called awhile back and turned off my phone. The phone is still on.

Customer Service "No problem I can disconnect that for you right now. Please go online and print a shipping label to return the equipment."

My husband "We already talked about this. You were sending out a shipping label. Is there another option? Am I still being billed for this?"

Customer Service "Okay I can see some notes were made. I will send out the label. No you will not be billed for the phone."

phone call 3

Me "Hi we called to update our account information because our debit cards were reissued and at the same time turn off the phone. It looks like the phone is still on and you did not debit our account for this months bill. Maybe that's good because it looks like we are still being billed for the phone.

Customer Service "No problem I can disconnect the phone for you right now. Please go online 

Me "I'm gonna stop you right there. Can I speak to someone in your accounting department.

Customer Service "They've gone home for the day."

My husband drives to American Fork and returns the equipment. He asks if he needs to do anything else because our bill shows phone service for a time period when we shouldn't have it. He is told that the bill will be adjusted and a correction sent to us. He replies that the amount can be debited as usual. 

Today my internet is shut off. So I call and oh my lucky stars I get to talk to Wendy. But first I talk to another guy who hangs up on me. Then I talk to another girl who sees what happened and comments I'll need an adjustment but she has to transfer me. Please allow me to present to you a total shit show of ineptitude featuring the worst customer service ever to be employed 

Wendy "blah blah blah blah blah something something how can I help you" I am so caught off guard by the condescension in her voice that I really didn't hear what she said. 

Me "Hi I need to figure out my bill. It was supposed to be corrected and sent to me and it wasn't and now my internet is shut off."

Wendy who has clearly been debriefed of the situation interrupts "Yeah we credited the phone bill from September 27th to October 27th. You never returned the equipment"

Me "Well we called and were told several times it was shut off and we waited several times for shipping labels and finally just drove the thing out and personally and returned it."

Wendy "Fine I can credit another 19.25 but you're still paying taxes. That brings the total to 87 will you be paying by card or check?"

Me "Card"

Wendy "What is the card number?"

Me "424 - wait a minute. What did you mean I am paying taxes?"

Wendy "For the phone."

Me "During the time we didn't have phone service"

Wendy "we don't actually shut it off until we receive the equipment."

Me "Okay can I just point out that I am the customer. This has been a hassle and if I have an attitude it is completely justified. Your attitude on the other hand is really out of line. Why are you upset?"

Wendy "Fine I'll credit back the taxes. Your total is now 40.29 plus a $5 late fee and then an additional 40.29 plus a $5 late fee bringing the total to 90.58. That's more than you would have paid."

Me "what? why?"

Wendy "because you didn't want to pay taxes. So I removed the phone charges completely"

Me "that really doesn't make sense if you removed charges why would it be more?"

Wendy "You didn't want to pay for the phone so I took it off and now I'm just billing you for internet for two months plus late fees"

Me "Why am I paying late fees?"

Wendy "You didn't pay your bill."

Me "You didn't correct the bill until just now. You are charging me for a series of mistakes your company has made."

Wendy "I'm just trying to make you happy. You didn't want to pay for phone and now you don't want to pay this.."

Me "I just want to understand my bill. It does not seem like you and I agree on what I should be paying for."

Wendy "I took a late fee off. Is that what you wanted?"

Me "Can I talk to someone else? You have an attitude that is just really shitty."

Wendy "I removed the phone charges and one of the late fees"

Me "I really just feel like I have to pay this to get service back on and find another internet provider because this has been a colossal failure."

Wendy "I guess."
Me "What is your name?"

Wendy "Wendy. I'm the supervisor of the collection department."

Me "Okay I don't understand how I'm being billed. You are just saying numbers and your explanations make no sense. I'm going to pay this now and try to figure it out my self and I want you to know I will be shopping for a different internet provider.

Wendy "I tried explaining it to you"

Me "You are not making sense. It is costing me more money to have charges removed. Who is your supervisor?"

Wendy - silence

Me "You don't know?"

Wendy "I don't really have one."
Me "That is weird."

Wendy "I guess you can call and ask for Matt."
Me "Your boss is named Matt?"

Wendy "yeah"
Me "It sounds like you are lying are you ready for my card number?"

I give payment info

Me "So will you actually be turning my service on or will I need to call daily to help you get it together"

Wendy "We'll get it back on."

Me "Are you sure you can handle that?"

Wendy "I've already done it."

Now let's take a look at my bill:

Account Overview

Welcome, XXXX XXXXXXX

You get incredible savings when you bundle High Speed Data and Unlimited Phone. To learn more please see our service description pages.

Billing Information

Viewing Information for Account: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Last Payment Amount	Last Date	Current Balance	Statement Balance	Statement From Date	Statement Thru Date
$68.15	07/29/2011	$107.29	$141.30	09/28/2011	10/27/2011

What a shock!! It does not look like Wendy has done ANYTHING AT ALL. And look she did all of her math wrong. I cannot offer you a letter in which you can find Waldo. But I have presented you a letter in which you can find six ways Wendy is a jack ass.   

In closing I would like to reiterate that Wendy is a vile creature who's eye rolling can be heard through the phone. And I still have no idea if I paid my bill.

Thank you for your time,

Stacy Justice esq

soon to be former customer